I was not afraid of the dark.

Childhood, trauma and growth 🦋

Stark dark, bright light,

Starry skies, dim night,

Closed in, without fear,

But then, light was near.

Come out of the dark friend,

Pick light, from end till end.

Photo by Biel Morro on Unsplash

How was the poetry? Good?

We ALL need light 🕯️.

It's Sunday evening as I type this. My sister is at the corner of the room, chuckling at whatever it is she just saw on her screen. And I'm here, Bible open, jotter layered with words. Our community would be one and I need to prepare to speak on true hunger for Jesus. Well, at the time you read this, we'd have already clocked one. Glory to God!

How was your own day? Mine has been okay. I say 'okay' because I was in a bad mood at the beginning. Even now, it's still a tangled mess. If you can't relate to mood swings, then you don't get it. At this moment, all I want is to be left alone. Or maybe it's because I'm tired. Well, I'm here to talk about my weird thing for dark spaces. Ohh, big English. I'm not afraid of the dark. I'll be explaining. Shall we tango ?

I was a very clumsy, loud and troublesome child growing up. Can you relate? Because of my wahala, I got into trouble with my mom every now and then. And I received scoldings a lot. So did my twin, but I'm not writing about her, am I? I said I was loud. Pardon me. Let me rephrase that. I was selectively loud. I was a quiet- loud child. Confusing, I know.

Even now, I'm still loud-quiet. Loud with the right people, quiet with those I'm uncertain with. Maybe not quiet, but at least guarded. So everytime I got scolded, I would make a fuss. Maybe cry. But know something else? I'd go into my mom's room(by extension, my room) and reflect. Reflect keh? I'm trying to be posh. I would go and stew about how I shouldn't be scolded, why everyone hates me and blah blah blah.

I took it too far, I know. But what was I saying about the dark? Yeah, right. I'd go into my room(NEPA= monsters, so no light most times) and lie down on the bed, thinking. Sometimes, I'd write down what I'm bothered about. Maybe that's how I started writing, but that's a tale for another day. And so it became second nature. Get scolded, go inside, stay in the dark and pacify myself. So I was not afraid of the dark. It was my hiding place.

And just in case you were wondering, yes. It was just regular scolding and Taiwo's overanalysis. And where was everyone when I stayed in the dark? In the kitchen, preparing dinner. Bro Dami turning semo and Sister Sisi warming the vegetable soup. I was about eight. Or was it nine? I had no essential use in the kitchen, so I could continue my thing. Okay, so you heard some childhood story. The point?

Photo by Josh Nuttall on Unsplash

I see that in so many ways, we are in the dark!Our perceptions are warped and we're trapped in darkness. It's why you don't let anyone into your heart. It's why you think no one can be a true friend. It's why, instead of being forgiving, you harbour resentment towards another. Because that dark space gives you 'comfort'. But does it help ? No. I have a theory, even. You can spend so much time in the dark that you start to mistake it for light.

•THE DARK?

Obviously, it might not be a literal thing for you. I mean the bitter things you've swallowed. I mean the dark voices in your head. I mean the ideologies you've adopted from trauma. What is 'the dark' to you? That resting place you've built for yourself that is more harming than freeing. For me, 'the dark' was my trauma. Yes, trauma. And it affected my view of life. It became my compass for life. Affected my view of people and how I went about my life.

I'm free now, thanks to Jesus. I might go into detail later. I applaud you for reading thus far, since this is a lot of words. Before I leave your space, I have some things to say:

• You need to acknowledge your pain - They hurt you deeply, I know. You were traumatized, for real. They annoyed you, yes! I know. And you know it too. The only thing that is a barrier is that you don't want to face it. You want to keep pretending that the reason you think there are no true friends in life is because of some theory. And we both know that it was because your bestie, Ifeoma, backstabbed you. So, you're hurt. Admit it.

• The dark isn't lit, no matter how long it's been- I hear blind men can find their way on the streets after a couple of years. Not because they can see, but because they've gotten used to it. So with the light bulbs off, you can find the door, locate your phone and turn on the fan. Cool! But it doesn't mean the room is lit. Satan can't be God. Light can't be darkness. There's still need for light. And that light? He's Jesus (John 8:12).

Don't get too comfortable. There's light for you to see, outside.

• In a world of grey skies, we still have the sun- I know this sounds like some clever quote. Aimed at escaping reality. But here's the truth. The world is dark. But even amongst the dark, we have light(Phillipians 2:15). It's your choice if you want to embrace the light or wrestle with the dark though. There are still good people out there. Loyal friends. Faithful spouses. And yeah, a good God. But then, do you want to see the sun?

• Then, leave the dark alone - To see the sun, then you must leave the dark alone. Walk out and let light embrace you. Intentionally let go of toxic ideas. Leave the dark life. Because light and darkness can't coexist. And what 'sun' am I referring to? Can you guess? The Sun of righteousness. Yes, Jesus (Malachi 4:2). He is light and to walk with Him, you need to forsake the dark.

And hey, like I've once said, He is willing to walk through the process with you. You don't have to do it on your own. You're not leaving the dark to grope for light and struggle to 'find' God. You choose Him and He'd guide you through the details.

My conclusion? The dark isn't fun. It wasn't fun for me. At the end of the day, dinner is in the kitchen. My family is in the living room. Company was outside, not in the shell I created for myself. I had to leave the dark.

And I'm urging you to do the same. The light Jesus offers you is guiding, illuminating, freeing. You don't need to struggle through life. You don't need to be caged in bitterness. You don't need to knock your head against the wall. There's light! So friend, go shake hands with the light.

You who spend your days shrouded in darkness can now say, “We have seen a brilliant Light.” And those who live in the dark shadow land of death can now say, “The Dawning Light arises on us.” 🕯️

Matthew 4:16 TPT

{This could be you too, you know? 💛}

Love and light,

Taiwo.